Little Avenger
by Iremat
Summary: Adventures of the teenage Avenger! My oh, MY, Sasuke-kun!
1. A word before

Before the fanfiction starts.  
  
I'd like to say a few necessary words before I begin the fanfic. This was a collaborative effort between my friend, Ryuu chan and myself. Yes, we were on crack. Well not really. More like mint chocolate chip milkshakes from BK.  
  
Disclaimer. I've decided to put the disclaimer here once. It annoys me to put it for every friggin' chapter. I don't own any of the Naruto. If there are going to be any OC ( I refuse to call them Mary-Sues. Who came up with that dumb term?), they either belong to me or my other friend Erin. Everything else is property of Kishimoto-sama and whomever owns the anime. I'm not making any money off of this either.  
  
Uhm. That's all I was going to say. Enjoy. 


	2. Chapter One News

News.  
  
The sun was setting over the majestic buildings of Sunagakure, when the old doctor rushed towards the Kazekage's palace. He had great news to relate to the young Kazekage, Temari-sama and her family. His face was glowing with happiness.  
  
"Excuse me, sir."  
  
Two palace guards block him from entering the door. "State your business."  
  
Doctor pushed up his glasses slightly annoyed.  
  
"My name is Kiraina Muino. My family has been in the service of the Kage for many, many years. My father has deliver-.."  
  
"Excuse me." The guard interrupted him with the lack of patience Sunagakure was famous for "But can you get to the point? The Kazekage's family has retrieved to the private quarters. Can't this wait till the morning?"  
  
The doctor narrowed his eyes.  
  
"No. It cannot. I took Temari-sama's blood and I need to personally give her the results. She said I can come and see her any time."  
  
The guard leaned his head over to his co-worker's ear and began whispering something. In a few moments of discussion they stepped away from the doors, allowing the doctor to proceed inside.  
  
Temari was in one of the living rooms, right across from her own room. She sat on the couch, in her casual clothing, with her feet up, playing the Sunagakure Shinobi on a Game Cube. A dark haired boy accompanied her. The doctor wrinkled his nose. He KNEW that dark haired boy. That was the famous traitor, Uchiha Sasuke that temporary asked the political asylum from the Sand Village. In the mean time, he was residing within the Sunagakure's palace. The doctor stopped before entering the hallway and waited.  
  
"Eat THAT Sasuke!!" Temari-sama yelled and raised her hands in the air. "You SUCK!"  
  
Sasuke looked annoyed.  
  
"Tch. You're so childish."  
  
Temari frowned.  
  
"Childish nothing! I just kicked your ass. You're just a sore looser."  
  
"Hn. Bet you can't do it twice."  
  
"What? Me? The heiress of the Sunagakure??? You're ON, pretty boy!!"  
  
Sasuke snickered. Doctor decided now would be the best time to interrupt. He brought his fist to his mouth and coughed.  
  
"Ahem... Temari-sama.."  
  
Both of the young people turned around. Temari smiled.  
  
"Oh, Kiraina sama. Please do come in. Is everything ok? Do you have my test results?"  
  
The doctor's face retrieved the lost glow.  
  
"Yes, yes, yes." He dug into the pocket. "Yes. I do."  
  
He brought out a big yellow envelope and opened it in a hurry. His hands were slightly shaking, as he began taking out sheets of paper and placing them on a small night stand right next to the couch. Temari watched him with curiosity, along with Sasuke. All of the sudden, the doctor has realized that he couldn't read Temari-sama's results in the presence of this stranger.  
  
"AHEM" he coughed, and expressively looked Sasuke in the eyes. Sasuke's lip curled up in a smile.  
  
"Hn. Fine. Fine. I'll leave." Sasuke got up from the couch. "I'm thirsty anyway. I'm gonna make myself something to drink."  
  
He began to walk away lazily.  
  
"Bring me a soda" Temari-sama yelled to his back.  
  
"Yeah, yeah."  
  
Once the doctor was sure, Sasuke was out of an earshot, his eyes returned to Temari.  
  
"Temari-sama" he could barely hold himself together. "I have gotten the results of your test. I have...I have. news."  
  
Temari's face expressed worry.  
  
"Is it bad? I mean. is everything ok? I don't have any sort of a deadly, crippling disease, do I?"  
  
The doctor shook his head, trying to collect himself together. He finally found the needed paper, although it was extremely difficult. His hands were still very shaky. He handed the girl the white square.  
  
"It's a great news, Temari sama. GREAT news!!"  
  
Temari made a face.  
  
"Don't tell me...you proved that Kankuro was adopted?"  
  
"What?" The doctor looked confused for a second.  
  
Temari rolled her head back and laughed.  
  
"Nothing. Nothing. What's the great news."  
  
"Congratulations, Temari-sama. You're pregnant!!!!"  
  
For the next few moment, despite his long experience of treating patients, Dr. Kiraina didn't know what to do. Temari's face turned completely white. Then it turned blue. Then it turned white again. She jerked straight up, and ripped the paper out of the good doctor's hands. She stared at it, with huge, unseeing eyes, trying to catch her breath.  
  
".....I'm.......what?????"  
  
She finally mastered. Doctor, whose enthusiasm was now slightly damped cleared his throat again.  
  
"You're pregnant, Kazekage-sama. Congratulations."  
  
Temari sank into her chair. Her lips were white and her hands squeezed the arm rests of the couch so hard that they went white. She was silent, except that only her lips moved, whispering something.  
  
"A...are...are you sure?" She asked, placing a hand over hear heart. "Are you sure there was NO mistake of this?"  
  
Doctor shook his head, now completely confused, not knowing whether he should be happy or sad.  
  
"No mistake....." Temari repeated to herself. "No mistake...."  
  
"Kazekage-sama?"  
  
"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" The citizens of Sunagakure were never so rudely awakened in the middle of the night. 


	3. Chapter Two Whose is it?

Sasuke stuck his face out, from the hallway, looking at Temari half annoyed.  
  
"You don't have to yell so damn loud!" He hissed. "I'm right here."  
  
"YOU SON OF A ...." In one giant leap, Temari knocked was right into his face. The doctor was now frightened. He has never seen this girl so infuriated.  
  
"Do you know what that old...er..what the doctor just told me???"  
  
Sasuke arched his eyebrow.  
  
"That you're recovering just fine from the secret lobotomy they performed on you. I don't know. What did he tell you?"  
  
Temari uttered a loud growl of anger, similar to a cry a wounded animal makes before it takes its last breath. The doctor retreated completely into the shadows. Kazekage's hands grabbed into the material of Sasuke's shirt and were threatening to begin shaking him. Sasuke wrinkled his nose, trying to stay completely calm, even though Temari's mood was beginning to bother him.  
  
"I'm going to fucking kill you!!!" Temari growled. "I'm going to fucking kill you."  
  
Sasuke rolled his eyes. Despite him being younger than Temari, he, as a true Sharingan user was stronger. Much, much stronger.  
  
"Please, woman."  
  
"Sasuke, you idiot!!!! The doctor told me I am PREGNANT!!"  
  
Sasuke's jaw flew open.  
  
"Say that again."  
  
"PREGNANT!!!" Temari was yelling so loud, it was surprising she hasn't awakened all of the village just yet. "I'm PREGNANT YOU HALF TWIT!!!"  
  
Sasuke's heart sank to his stomach. He suddenly felt his legs became soft and unable to support his weight. He slid down and crouched, with his mouth opened. He was gasping for air, as Temari stood towering above him with the same lost look on her face.  
  
"Are you sure it is mine???"  
  
That was the wrong question to ask. Temari's eyes ignited with wild fire.  
  
"What the hell are you trying to say, that I'm a floozy?????" "No, no, no, no, no" Sasuke raised his hands to protect his head from the heavy fan in Temari's hands, threatening to start its fall. "I'm just saying. You're a Kazekage. You're a very pretty girl. And a very....strong woman...I mean... I am..."  
  
Temari growled and lowered her fan.  
  
"Well it's been a slow summer. Of course, IT'S YOURS! You're the ONLY one I've been with!!!!"  
  
Sasuke sucked in a deep breath.  
  
"Well...well... well..what are you going to do? I mean....I mean..."  
  
Temari shrugged and put away the fan.  
  
"I don't know. I... I am not sure. Oh my god...OH MY GOD!!!!"  
  
She began running around the room in circles, clenching her head between her palms. Any other times, Sasuke would remember to note how comical she looked, but right now that was completely inappropriate. He shut closed his eyes and rubbed his head.  
  
"What the hell is gonna happen now?"  
  
Temari finally got tired of running around and fell on the couch. She leaned her head back and kept her eyes closed. Sasuke watched her from the corner.  
  
"What are you going to do, Temari?"  
  
She jerked and looked his way. It felt as if she just remembered that he was still here. So was the doctor, by the way. Sasuke could see the corner of his clothes sticking out from the shadowy corner. He wanted to take this to a private place, but was now even afraid to suggest it.  
  
"How the fuck should I know?" The girl hissed.  
  
"Well, at least Temari hasn't lost her attractive personality." He thought to himself.  
  
Sasuke cleared his throat.  
  
"Ahem. Perhaps we should take this...someplace where it's more....ahem.. private."  
  
Sasuke expressively looked at the shaded corner. Temari's eyes followed his and she saw the doctor still standing there.  
  
"Perhaps." She nodded. "My room."  
  
The doctor watched them retrieve to Temari sama's private room. He was still unable to move from shock. Their Kazekage. Pregnant. With that....that.... that.... He couldn't even find the proper words to express his rage. Unknowingly he kept on clenching his fists and unclenching them.  
  
"That BASTARD" the good doctor hissed.  
  
"Hey buddy!!" Suddenly came from behind. Dr. Muino turned sharply on his heels.  
  
"Yes????"  
  
Smiling at him, was the guard.  
  
"Your audience with Kazekage sama is over, I think. Care to vacate the premises?"  
  
Good doctor growled but decided against arguing with the Anbu guard, right here in the Kazekage's palace. He clenched his fists once more and turned around to leave. Doctor was straining his hearing and all of his other senses to find out the conclusion to this event, but no matter how hard he listened he couldn't hear anything aside from the guard's sarcastic "Good night, Doctor" and the slam of the palace door behind him. Doctor Muino stood on the cold, empty street for a few moments, trying to digest the events of this evening.  
  
"Who the hell am I kidding?" He finally decided. "I can't deal with this without a bottle of sake." He shook his head and directed his weary legs towards the closest tavern to drink and think about what has happened. 


	4. Chapter Three Little Avenger brand

Letter 1.  
  
"My dearest, hated, annoying, stupid and the most despised brother Itachi. I'm writing to you to let you know that the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms is the biggest piece of SHIT I have ever used. It wasn't worth the money I bought it with. Oh. Wait. I didn't buy it. YOU gave it to me. YOU told me it was going to ENSURE that our clan is never rebuilt. You're such a fucking liar. I hate you.  
  
What's the big idea, you fucktart? You give me a box of condoms and the FIRST TIME I ever use them, the GIRL gets pregnant!!!! I hope you eat some poison and die. I'm going to kill you for this. What the hell am I going to do with a knocked up girl???? HUH??? Geez. Not only are you a lousy brother you're also a lousy condom maker. I hope someone files a lawsuit against you. From now on, I'm using the Hyuga Brand Condoms. Take THAT to your bank.  
  
We've been going over the names for the baby and for the life of us, we can't come up with anything good. Care to suggest something?  
  
Hatefully yours, Sasuke."  
  
"Itachi –san."  
  
Itachi eyed Kisame.  
  
"What is it, Kisame?"  
  
"Uhm.... Well... a few moments ago there was this.... Mail delivery guy."  
  
Itachi raised his eyebrow.  
  
"And?"  
  
Instead of answering him, Kisame extended his hand and shoved a light blue square envelope with the Uchiha fan insignia as a water mark, into Itachi's hands. Itachi took the letter and raised both eyebrows in utter surprise. He turned the letter over in his fingers several times, looking, studying it.  
  
"What the fuck is this?"  
  
Kisame shrugged.  
  
"I do not know, Itachi-san. Perhaps you should open it and read it."  
  
Itachi glared daggers at him. He turned it over again and ran over the address.  
  
"This is strange." Itachi mumbled to himself.  
  
"What is, Itachi-san?"  
  
"Well.... This letter claims that its sender is Uchiha Sasuke. Yet it's post marked at the post office of Sunagakure."  
  
Kisame's face expressed a strained thought. Itachi moved slightly away, worried that his partner's head might explode from such unusual usage.  
  
"Oh. I remember now!" Kisame raised his finger towards the cloudless sky. Itachi didn't even bother to open his mouth to question his partner.  
  
"A few months ago, your delicious looking morsel of meat of a brother acquired the political asylum of Sunagakure and their Kazekage." Saying "Tasty morsel of meat" Kisame licked his lips. Itachi scowled.  
  
"You stay away from my brother, Kisame."  
  
"But Itachi san..."  
  
Itachi glared and the Sharingan flared up.  
  
"BUT?"  
  
Kisame lowered his head.  
  
"Hai, hai, Itachi san. Well...don't hoard the letter, read it."  
  
There was a moment of silence passed between them, once Itachi was finished reading the letter.  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Kisame?" Itachi finally broke the silence first.  
  
Kisame nodded.  
  
"Of course Itachi san. I think Sakura would be such a pretty name for a little girl. And if it's a boy they should name him Okashi. I do so love lolly pops."  
  
Itachi opened his mouth to answer and realized that suddenly he was lost.  
  
"No, Kisame." Itachi replied. "My foolish little brother does not have enough hatefulness in him. And how DARE he diss the "Little Avenger" brand of condoms. It seems to work perfectly for EVERYONE in this organization. Take you, Kisame. You haven't gotten a single kid yet."  
  
Kisame shot Itachi a look.  
  
"That's because I ate them all, Itachi-san" he replied innocently.  
  
Itachi pretended he never heard Kisame's reply.  
  
Letter 2. Dear foolish little brother.  
  
Has your dumb ass ever heard of the expiration date? You know, that little phrase "best if used by.." that's printed on the side of each box of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms? I given you that box what....just six years ago? Of COURSE they wouldn't work, you nitwit! I'm surprised you have survived as long as you have.  
  
Foolish little brother!!! How dare you insult our wonderful product? Do you know that 15% of all profits received from the sales of the "Little Avenger" brand condoms go to the families that suffered in any of the Akatsuki's actions. I should cut off your dumb little tongue.  
  
HOW in HELL did you manage to knock up a girl????? You're supposed to be a little avenger, NOT A LITTLE WHORE!!! Now I have to go on a rampage and kill a whole NEW family of people. I swear, you Uchihas are like roaches. You step on one, ten run away. Oh. Wait. Scratch that. Well, anyway, I would have helped you with this situation but you don't have enough hatefulness towards me so I'm not going to.  
  
Kisame suggests Sakura for a girl and Okashi for the boy. Do you know who's it going to be?  
  
Itachi." 


	5. Chapter Four Death or Wedding?

Kankuro yawned, leafing sleepily through this morning funnies. He snickered at one that featured a big orange cat with a dumb smile on its face.  
  
"Dumb cat." Kankuro thought to himself.  
  
Kankuro occupied the far end of the table, right by the window. At the moment he was the only one sitting down because Gaara was still pouring himself a bowl of cereal and milk, catching the last bit of Sunagakure morning news. When Temari walked into the kitchen followed by Sasuke, Gaara turned off the television and placed his bowl on the table. He plopped down on the chair and nodded good morning to Temari.  
  
"Mornin'" Kankuro mumbled with his face full of food. Gaara didn't even bother to react. Temari nodded, answering her brother and sat down with a bowl full of cereal next to him. Her hair was a mess, and she looked quite awful right after she awakened. She yawned, covering her mouth and reached for the sugar to put into her cereal. Sasuke, was still fixing his breakfast.  
  
He was absolutely above eating the same, dumb old breakfast the whole Sabakuno family was having. He was too good for simple milk and cereal. Uchiha peeled a banana and cut it on a small cutting board to add to his food. He plopped on the other side of Temari, away from Gaara and as far away as possible from Kankuro. He shoved his mouth full of banana smelling breakfast and began to methodically chew it, before swallowing. Suddenly, Temari's face turned green.  
  
"Temari...are you ok?" Called Kankuro, peeking on top of the newspaper. "You don't look so good."  
  
His sister covered her mouth with one hand, her stomach with the other and rocketed to the bathroom. Sasuke watched her disappear behind the bathroom doors with sadness. She was already experiencing morning sickness.  
  
Kankuro moved the newspaper away and stared at the bowl of food before him. He picked up the spoon of milk and poured it back to the bowl, inspecting it. When the vomiting noises coming from the bathroom reached the ears of the three young males Kankuro moved the food away with a grimace on his face.  
  
"What's wrong with her?"  
  
Gaara cast a glance over his shoulder in the direction of his sister's disappearance.  
  
"She must have ate some of this horrible milk this morning. I think she should get rid of the milkman, if he delivers us the spoilt milk."  
  
"I don't think it's the milk." Gaara disagreed and put a spoon full of it in his mouth. "I'm just wondering if she has caught some dumb sickness again."  
  
"Sick? Temari? I highly doubt it. Unless she caught it from Sasuke."  
  
Sasuke wanted to kill that stupid clown that very moment. Gaara's eyes became harder than steel and colder than ice.  
  
"She's ok, right, Uchiha???" He questioned him, with the death threat in an angry voice.  
  
Sasuke shoved another spoon full of cereal into his mouth. He figured it'd be nice to be able to enjoy his very last meal.  
  
"She's fine" He mumbled quietly. "She's just pregnant."  
  
"Oh, well that's nice....WHAT????? SHE IS WHAT?????????"  
  
Both brothers were now staring at him with hate filled eyes.  
  
"UCHIHA, SASUKE!! What the HELL did you do to my sister?" growled in a loud voice Gaara.  
  
"Gaara...stop..."  
  
"Shut up, Kankuro!!! Answer me, Sasuke. What did you do to her???"  
  
"Hey! I didn't DO anything to her. She agreed to it. She made the first move. I just didn't back down."  
  
But that was again, the wrong thing to say. Gaara's face went red from anger.  
  
"Out of ALL the young men in this village, out of all the SHINOBI, she has to get knocked up by YOU?????"  
  
Sasuke shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"What? It's been a slow summer."  
  
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???"  
  
The sand began gathering around him. It didn't take much effort, given how Gaara, in his native element, the Sand Village didn't have to worry about running out of the ammunition. The small particles began hovering around him, like bees around their queen. His face went from red to dark, his eyebrows met in the middle of his face and his lips became a thin line. Sasuke intuitively moved his chair back. His brain was rapidly trying to find the exit from the situation that has came up, but even his genius didn't think of anything. He thought, perhaps if he jumped out of the kitchen's window, and Kankuro wouldn't block him he'd be able to escape. But Kankuro moved closer to the window, instead of away, thus blocking all the exit to freedom. Sasuke hated him now more than ever.  
  
"How the hell did this happen?" Gaara still fumed.  
  
"Well, see Gaara. When a boy and a girl fall in love with each other.." began Kankuro.  
  
"SHUT UP, KANKURO" Gaara growled.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"I wanted to know how he ended up with OUR sister!!! That's what I want to know. I want to know how he managed knock her up and not even care."  
  
"Tch. I care." Sasuke shrugged again. "I'm trying to be a responsible father here."  
  
"Responsible father?" Gaara's eyebrow flew up. "You mean you're going to do honorable thing and marry her? In a traditional marriage?"  
  
"What? Marry her?????" Sasuke almost laughed at that proposal. "Are you kidding? I'd never mar-..."  
  
The sand was already reaching towards him from the spot on the wall, closest to his chair.  
  
"Yes...Marry her. In a traditional wedding."  
  
Sasuke sulked. Traditional wedding meant he couldn't ask for a divorce. However not agreeing for a wedding meant slow and painful death right now.  
  
Sasuke grumbled but agreed. When Temari was finally done with the bathroom and came out to the kitchen all three of them sat in a complete silence.  
  
"What are you? Playing the silent joe? What's going on here?"  
  
"You tell us," Gaara got angry. "You are PREGNANT. And worst of all this baby is HIS" he pointed at Sasuke, chewing his lip, sitting in a quiet corner. "And when I question him he doesn't even want to marry you."  
  
Temari frowned.  
  
"Please, please don't tell me you forced him to marry me in a traditional wedding. With the wedding vows and all that stuff."  
  
Gaara nodded. Temari covered her face with her hands and began either crying or laughing, and laughing hysterically. Sasuke felt so very out of place. Kankuro picked up the newspaper and began reading again.  
  
"Hn. Aren't any of you going to try to calm her down?" Sasuke inquired.  
  
"Eh. She gets like this from time to time. It'll be ok in a few."  
  
He was right, in a few moments the tantrum has passed.  
  
"I am NOT changing my last name to Uchiha." Temari announced. "Marriage or no marriage."  
  
"What's that suppose to mean? I'm marrying you and you're not even going to change your last name to mine? What the hell!"  
  
"I don't want to be an Uchiha. It's such an ugly last name."  
  
"Hey. It's better to be an Uchiha than be "Of the Desert!"  
  
"Is it now?"  
  
"Kids, kids..." Kankuro put the paper down again. "Use the hyphen."  
  
"Hyphen?" Gaara's eyebrow flew up. "You mean Sabakuno-Uchiha?"  
  
"Uchiha of the desert? That sounds stupid. Even more stupid than just regular Uchiha."  
  
"I resent that!" Growled Sasuke.  
  
"You resent a lot of things."  
  
"It's a tradition for the bride to take on the groom's last name" Gaara educated. "Temari Uchiha. That sounds pretty nice."  
  
Temari growled.  
  
"Nice nothing. I liked being Sabakuno Temari."  
  
"Well if you liked it so much, you shouldn't have gotten knocked up!" Gaara rolled his eyes. "Gotten knocked up???" Temari jumped. "It was HIS fault I got knocked up. I told him that I was off the pill and asked him to use a condom. And he used that stupid "Little Avenger" brand!"  
  
"What do you mean, STUPID??? My brother makes that! You'd THINK he make good condoms, right?"  
  
"Next time I'm using Hyuga Brand. It has never failed me before."  
  
"Well, this is nice..."Kankuro put the paper down and slid it over to Gaara. "Temari's pregnancy made the front page news."  
  
Letter 3. Dear despised Itachi,  
  
The "Little Avenger" brand sucks. It sucks ass. I destroyed every single box I have ever bought of that stuff. I advise you to do the same. I'm going to launch a campaign so that your brand of condoms would be taken off the market and deemed unfit to be sold. I think I'll crush you financially and then rip your heart out. Perhaps it'd be a good brand if you used good quality material you know.  
  
Thank you very much for the suggestions of names, but I was sort of weary giving my boy the pet name you have for Kisame. After thinking for a while, we've decided to name the baby Saito, if it's a boy. If it's a girl...well we haven't decided that yet. We don't know who it'll be yet. It's way too early to tell.  
  
The girl I knocked up and I are going to get married in a traditional ceremony. I was just wondering, do you want two seats saved for you and Kisame. We don't know when it'll be yet, so maybe you should send me a calendar of the days when you're on missions so we can coordinate that. Just make sure that Kisame uses henge no jutsu. Shark fin soup seems to be the local favorite food.  
  
Hatefully yours, Sasuke.  
  
P.S. We're going to make a nursery and haven't decided what color to paint it. Care to make a suggestion?  
  
Letter 4. Dear, foolish little Sasuke.  
  
It isn't the condom's fault that you're an illiterate moron. I can't make boxes tell you when they go bad. You have to read what it says on the side. Launch your campaign. I don't care. I KNOW that all the merchandize with the brand name "Little Avenger" is 100% quality. I wish I could guarantee the same good quality in my brothers.  
  
Well, I'm glad you finally decided what to name the kid if it's a boy. Make sure that you teach him how to hate me. I want you to hate me. I want your kid to hate me. I want your whole damn family to hate me. Make them hate me. Make them ALL hate me. Ahem. Hm. I got carried away there. How did you know about Kisame's pet name?  
  
I'm sorry, foolish little brother, but I cannot send you the schedule. The schedule and the missions are classified information. Tell me the date and I will let you know if I'm available on that particular day or not. As far as the sand Villagers eating Kisame, I wouldn't worry about it. We won't miss him.  
  
As far as the color goes, try yellow. That's a very nice, neutral color.  
  
Sincerely, Itachi.  
  
P.S. What's the name of the girl you managed so stupidly to knock up? 


	6. Chapter Five Enter Orochimaru

Kabuto yawned. He was downright exhausted. The whole previous night he has spent doing some mindless experiments on Kidoumaru, trying to get rid of the coarse hair growth on his legs. Of course, all means of hair removal were of no avail and Kabuto has promised the weeping freak that he'll come up with something nice and permanent. Those experiments kept him up for the rest of the night. He yawned again and took off his glasses to rub his eyes.  
  
This isn't the first night, Orochimaru's lackey has spent toiling away on some nameless experiment no one is going to appreciate ever. Maybe aside from Kidoumaru, but who cared about Kidoumaru. He was freaky and had eight arms. And spat some junk that turned into a spider web, mixture of mucus and chakra. Wasn't HE the most attractive thing ever... Kabuto shook his head and went over his notes again. There was ABSOLUTELY nothing he could think of, except for waxing. Maybe if he mixed some numbing medicine into the hot wax it wouldn't be such a big deal. He opened a bottle of Novocain and pushed the business end of the syringe into it.  
  
"You know" Kabuto thought to himself. "I could have been a good doctor. A Surgeon General maybe, have I stayed in Konoha. I would have been rich and famous. And the chicks would throw themselves onto me.. Throw!!" He extracted all of the liquid from the bottle and pierced the cap of another, bigger bottle, and began slowly mix two liquids. "I could have made ... some astonishing discovery! But nooooooo. Orochimaru sama HAD to leave the village. Now I am stuck here, inventing some magic hair removal potion for Kidoumaru."  
  
"Mr. I hate pain, Kidoumaru. I don't know what's wrong with regular wax anyway. Sakon waxes and so does Kimmimarou. Well, Kimmimarou is constantly in a coma, so it's not like he feels anything. But if it wasn't for this wax, we'd be drowning in hair. Man, is that guy ever hairy."  
  
Having emptied the syringe, Kabuto threw it into a special disposal box and began shaking the bottle, to mix the liquids properly.  
  
"You know I could have MADE something out of myself.!! But NYOOO! I had to follow Orochimaru! What's the deal with Kidoumaru anyway? Why does he think he's better than the rest of us? Could have used regular wax you know..."  
  
Kabuto wanted to say something really awful in Orochimaru's expense, when suddenly the door to the lab burst open and one of the guard nins flew in. He bowed to Kabuto in a hurry.  
  
"Kabuto-sama. Please, please come quick. Orochimaru-sama is senile again! He's being violent and vicious!! Please, come quick, Kabuto-sama!!"  
  
"He's what???" Kabuto glanced at the calendar. Today was Tuesday. It was loooong day away from being the Loony Bin Thursday.  
  
"Please, Kabuto-sama. Hurry!!"  
  
Kabuto glanced at his medicine cabinet.  
  
"I think I gave him the right medication today. I shouldn't have screwed up...too badly."  
  
"Kabuto-sama!!!" The guard urged.  
  
Kabuto waived his hand.  
  
"Hai, hai. I'm coming, I'm coming. Give me a moment though. Very violent he is, you say?"  
  
"Very, Kabuto-sama. VERY!!! He's been screaming on top of his lungs for the past hour or so."  
  
"And you JUST got me???"  
  
Kabuto glared at the guard, tearing away from the search for the missing sedative and some tranquilizer darts.  
  
"Well, Kabuto sama...we wanted too.."  
  
Kabuto waived his hand again.  
  
"Ah. Here we go." He happily grabbed a box and followed the guard outside.  
  
The sun made Kabuto's eyes water.  
  
"Damn sun." He thought to himself as he crossed the yard from the entrance to the labs to the entrance to the building where the Kage currently resided. Otokage that is. But before he was even close enough to see Orochimaru-sama, a wave of curses that would make a sailor blush attacked his ears. Kabuto stopped and jerked his head up.  
  
"That *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* WHORE!!!! How *beep* *beep* *beep* dare she *beep* touch my *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* vessel!!!"  
  
The guard did the same thing as Kabuto, and at the end of that sentence he gave Kabuto a guilty look. As if all of this was solely his fault.  
  
"You see what I mean?" He asked.  
  
Kabuto raised his eyebrow.  
  
"What is he cursing about?"  
  
"The morning paper."  
  
"The morning paper?"  
  
"That's correct sir." The guard handed Kabuto a copy. There, on the front page, in big letters were the news from other villages.  
  
"And today, in Sunagakure, the Kage's family was happy to announce the pregnancy of the young Kazekage from her long time boyfriend, Uchiha Sasuke. The couple is going to be married in a lavished ceremony..."  
  
"*beep*" Kabuto cursed. "WHAT the *beep* is this *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*??? All that time that I was *beep* her, not ONCE did she *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* get pregnant!!! And then she *beep* *beep* *beep* with *beep* *beep* Sasuke and what do you know?!! A *beep* *beep* *beep* baby!!!"  
  
Kabuto didn't even try to hide his displeasure. Suddenly, the cursing from upstairs has stopped.  
  
"IS that *beep* you, Kabuto?" Orochimaru inquired.  
  
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama. It is *beep* me."  
  
"What the *beep* is your problem? Why are you cursing like a *beep* pirate?"  
  
"I just read the *beep* *beep* *beep* morning newspaper!"  
  
"You have a problem with the *beep* article too?" "*beep* yeah I do!! *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* Sasuke should *beep**beep* keep his *beep* where it belongs! In his *beep* pants!!"  
  
Orochimaru-sama appeared in the opened window and leaned down on the window still. He was looking straight at Kabuto, while the good doctor was looking up. Orochimaru's face expressed dismay.  
  
"I can't *beep* believe you, Kabuto!! You're siding with that *beep* whore!!!"  
  
"Whore???? She's not the *beep* *beep* whore in THIS story, Orochimaru sama. With all *beep* due respect sir!!"  
  
"Not a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore???? Are you *beep* *beep* *beep* mentally *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* challenged??? She's the *beep**beep* biggest whore of the whole *beep* *beep* *beep* village!!"  
  
"Takes one to know one, Orochimaru-sama!! She's NOT a *beep* *beep* *beep* whore!"  
  
"If she's not a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore, than I don't know WHO *beep* *beep* *beep* is!!"  
  
"Rather was, Orochimaru sama!! Your *beep* *beep* *beep* mother was a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore!"  
  
"How *beep* *beep* dare say that about my *beep* *beep* *beep* mother!!" Orochimaru clenched his fist and shook it at Kabuto from the height of his window.  
  
"I'm just stating the *beep* fact, Orochimaru sama!!"  
  
"Well at least she didn't *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* abandon me!!"  
  
"She couldn't have! She was too *beep* *beep* *beep* busy *beep* *beep* *beep* the whole Konoha zoo, ya *beep* *beep* freak of nature!!"  
  
Orochiamru's mouth opened in surprise.  
  
"Well shows how much YOU *beep* know, you *beep* bookworm! She didn't *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* the whole zoo. That's a *beep* filthy rumor!! She only managed to *beep* get into the cages with the *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* snakes! And you *beep* know it, Kabuto!!"  
  
"That's not what your *beep* birth certificate stated!!"  
  
"How DARE you *beep* *beep* *beep* side with that *beep* *beep* *beep* whore? How dare she *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* touch my *beep* *beep* *beep* vessel??? My *beep* *beep* *beep* poor, *beep* innocent Sasuke!!"  
  
"Innocent? Yeah, *beep* right!!"  
  
"You're just as *beep* horrible as that *beep* *beep* *beep* girl, Kabuto!!!"  
  
"And that's coming from the man who *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* everything and anything with legs and a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* hole! Anything that'll stand *beep* still long enough for you to *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* it!!!!"  
  
"Well, at least I *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* get some! And don't have to *beep* *beep* *beep* clone my *beep* *beep* *beep* partners!!!"  
  
"No, but most of YOUR *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* partners are in a need of heart jump start when you *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* them!!"  
  
"Kabuto, you're a *beep* *beep* ungrateful *beep* *beep* short sighted *beep* little punk"  
  
"I'd describe you but *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* language doesn't have enough *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* words in it!!!!"  
  
That was the last drop. Orochimaru angrily moved away from the window and shut it closed. Kabuto clenched his fists, boiling inside. He couldn't believe that Orochimaru made him loose his cool, just like that. Suddenly the window opened back up.  
  
"Bring me my *beep* *beep* *beep* paper and pens, I'm going to *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* write a *beep* *beep* *beep* letter to that *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore and my vessel."  
  
The window shut closed again.  
  
Letter 5. "Dear little vessel, Sasuke.  
  
How the *beep* *beep* *beep* on *beep* green Earth did you *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* manage to *beep* *beep* *beep* knock that *beep* *beep* girl up??? I created you to be pure and as soon as I *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* let you out of my *beep* *beep* *beep* sight what do you do? HUH????? You *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* idiot!!! You manage to *beep* *beep* knock up a girl!! And that *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* girl *beep* of all the Sand Village women!!  
  
A WEDDING??? Whoever the *beep* gave you that *beep* *beep* *beep* idea???!! Have you completely lost your *beep* puny *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* little mind??? A wedding??? What the *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* to being a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* avenger? Are you going to *beep* abandon that too, just like you *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* abandoned my *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* village?  
  
And I trusted you!! I took great *beep* care of your *beep* body and that *beep* wonderful Sharingan of yours!! I trained you!! I *beep* *beep* took CARE of you!! I let you *beep* play with SAKON!! SAKON! I NEVER, EVER let ANYONE play with *beep* *beep* *beep* Sakon!! And this is how you repay me?? You *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* ingrate!! And to add insult to injury you didn't even *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* bother send me the wedding invitations!!! I hope you know that you're marrying a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore!! Shut up Kabuto! My mother wasn't a *beep* *beep* whore! What? Why you *beep* *beep* *beep* pathetic bookworm!! Now look what you *beep* made me write, you *beep* *beep* *beep*!!! Sincerely yours, Orochimaru-sama.  
  
P.S. I'm sending some poison with the letter. Make sure you put it to a good use. Oh, and once you and that *beep* *beep* *beep* is dead, can the kid come live with me?  
  
Letter 6,  
  
Dear, old, cold and wrinkly Orochimaru-sama.  
  
Thanks for your concern! You *beep* made my *beep* day when I read your letter!! Never have I EVER felt more love in the room! As far as me, knocking up Temari... well that wasn't my fault. I did use protection. The "Little Avenger" brand of condoms. So, any sex accidents resulting in a baby, marriage and future life in hell should be taken up with Itachi. Oh, yeah I *beep* forgot, you're scared *beep* of him!! It's not like I'm enjoying this you know. And besides, you're nothing but a two faced, two timing liar. All you ever did was give me excruciating pain and nothing more. Stronger! HA! Your advertisement sucks more than the "Little Avenger" commercials.  
  
I never lost my mind!! I told you, it was an accident!! How was I suppose to know that my brother is not only a lousy liar he's also a lousy condom maker!! You must be using the Hyuga brand; I haven't seen any other freaks of nature running around just yet. Lucky you. I'm still an avenger! But that's now a part time job. I'm getting ready to be a father, which would always be my full time priority. Well, at least until the kid is 18.  
  
And it wasn't me who refused you invitations. It was Temari. She kept on saying how and I quote "How much of a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* that man is! Of course he's not *beep* *beep* *beep* invited! What the *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* are we going to do with that freak?" She also said if you call her a *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* whore once more time she's going to shove her *beep* *beep* fan up your *beep* *beep* *beep* ass sideways.  
  
Angst fully yours, Sasuke.  
  
P.S. We gave poison to Kankuro. You *beep* old liar! It didn't DO anything! The baby is going to be an Avenger! No time for silly vacations!! 


	7. Chapter Six Mr Fütlong

My hot dog has a first name,  
  
it's M-I-S-T-E-R.  
  
My hot dog has a second name,  
  
It's F-ü-T-L-O-N-G.  
  
"Ok. That's it" Temari said and slammed the paper on the table. Gaara, Kankuro, Sasuke looked up at her.  
  
"That's it what?" Kankuro wondered.  
  
"Sasuke, you need a job."  
  
"WHAT???"  
  
"A job. You know.. J. O. B?"  
  
"I don't NEED a job. I'm a NINJA! That's my job."  
  
Temari rolled her eyes.  
  
"Sasuke. You're also a political prisoner. A Kazekage must be out of his or her mind to allow you work as a ninja."  
  
Sasuke chewed and swallowed his cereal.  
  
"So what's the problem?"  
  
Temari frowned.  
  
"The problem is that YOU need to learn some responsibility, you need to be able to take CARE of your family. You need to bring home an income."  
  
Sasuke snorted.  
  
"Temari, you're a Kazekage of this village. You have all the money of the village, and more. What the HELL do you need my income for???"  
  
"Hmph..." Temari put her nose in the air. "I don't NEED your income, but have you thought what would happen to our child if I die??? What are you going to do? Hm? Once I'm not a Kazekage anymore, you're not going to be allowed to live in the palace, and all the "money in the village" will NOT be available to you. So you NEED TO LEARN how to work!"  
  
Sasuke grumbled.  
  
"Besides." Temari raised her index finger towards the ceiling. "My brothers are not going to help you rear our child."  
  
Sasuke raised his eyebrow in disbelief.  
  
"That's true." Nodded Kankuro. "Don't even look at me."  
  
"I'm not touching THAT thing with a ten foot pole." Added Gaara.  
  
Sasuke sighed.  
  
"But....Temari...like what the hell am I suppose to do???"  
  
"Figure it out! You're a damn genius!"  
  
And with that phrase she let him know that the conversation was over.  
  
Oh I wish I were a Mr. Fütlong  
  
That is what I'd truly like to be  
  
'cause if I were a Mister Fütlong  
  
Every one would be in love with me.  
  
"Holy fuck. It's hot." Temari brought her hand to her face and swabbed a few beads of sweat rolling down her face. "Has it ever been this hot this early? It's only spring." Gaara shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"They say it's going to cool down maybe mid December."  
  
Temari sighed. "Well it always cools down mid December."  
  
The trio was walking the beautiful streets of Sunagakure that were completely deserted at this time of the day due to the overwhelming heat.  
  
"So, Temari." Kankuro turned. "Where's your husband?"  
  
Temari shrugged.  
  
"He said he got a job. I don't know what it is, he refuses to tell me."  
  
"Hmmm... Are you sure it's true?" Gaara chimmed in.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it is and maybe it's not. But oh well, he's bringing in money, that's all I care about."  
  
They walked further. Rare pedestrians stopped and bowed to the trio, bidding their hello to the Kazekage of the Sand and her brothers.  
  
"I'm hungry." Suddenly uttered Kankuro. Temari shot him a sarcastic look.  
  
"You're ALWAYS hungry. I don't know HOW you still fit into that suit of yours."  
  
"Tch. I'm not fat." Kankuro frowned. "I'm just big boned. Besides. I'm still growing. I need my nourishment."  
  
Gaara rolled his eyes and was about to say something when Temari suddenly stopped.  
  
"WTF." She uttered.  
  
"What??? WHERE?" Both of her brothers were surprised.  
  
"There." She pointed at a small building. "World of the Fütlong. We can get something to eat there."  
  
"Mmmmm....hot dog. That reminds me of that song I heard when I was a child."  
  
Kankuro opened his mouth to sing the Fütlong song, but Temari quickly covered it with her hand.  
  
"Why don't you sing it for Sasuke, when he gets home ok? I have a public image to uphold. Let's just go grab something to eat, before you fade away right in front of our faces."  
  
Gaara snorted and Kankuro wanted to say something, but decided to be quiet before Temari changed her mind about the food.  
  
The walked in. The inside of the room was semi-dark and very cool. The air conditioning was going on full blast. Temari sighed and smiled. She nodded, encouraging Kankuro to walk over to a giant standing hot dog.  
  
"Welcome to the WTF, home of the Fütlong. May I take your order?"  
  
The hotdog mumbled in a monotone voice. Through the small cut out in the suit, through which his face was showing an expression of utter despair. Kankuro studied the menu, deciding what he was going to get.  
  
"Oh....my....god....SASUKE???????"  
  
Temari and Gaara made their way to the counter and now his sister was staring at the giant hotdog, wide eyed.  
  
"N...no." The hot dog mumbled. "I'm Mr. Fütlong." He pointed at the name tag pinned right on the wiener.  
  
"That's a lie!" Temari responded as her eye twitched. She was struggling not to laugh right into Sasuke's face. "You're not even six inches."  
  
The Hot Dog turned completely red as Gaara began honestly laughing behind Temari's back.  
  
"HEY! That's a family condition!"  
  
"Everything is an excuse with you, Sasuke."  
  
"So, what are you doing in a giant hot dog suit, Mr. Fütlong?" Asked him Gaara coming closer.  
  
Sasuke rolled his eyes.  
  
"I'm a giant hot dog! What do you THINK I'm doing? Collecting all the valuable information on this village so I can sell it! I'm WORKING here, you ...! It's a JOB!!!" Temari raised her eyebrow.  
  
"So let me get this straight... You're a genius ninja from Konoha and the BEST you can do is be a GIANT HOT DOG???"  
  
The Hot Dog suddenly felt uncomfortable.  
  
"Hey, you're the one that told me to go get a job!"  
  
Temari rolled her eyes.  
  
"I never told you to become a giant hot dog!!!"  
  
The Hot Dog glared at her.  
  
"Well.... It wasn't my fault that the Sunagakure job market sucks this much!"  
  
Gaara was now honestly crying.  
  
"What the HELL are YOU laughing at?" He harped at Gaara. Red- headed nin's face suddenly became serious.  
  
"What did you just say, Sasuke??" Gaara growled, gathering his sand.  
  
"No. I'm a Hot Dog. You wouldn't kill a hot dog, would you?"  
  
The sand was still gathering around him.  
  
"What about Hot Dog with glasses?"  
  
The sand became more and more. Sasuke closed his eyes and began mumbling.  
  
"I'm a hot dog. I'm in my happy hot dog land. I'm a hot dog."  
  
Suddenly, the sand disappeared. Gaara was astounded. He turned to Temari.  
  
"Out of ALL the ninjas in ALL the villages, YOU had to marry a Giant Hot Dog. This is the FATHER of your child!!" He shook his head. Temari shrugged.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Well at least he's learning some responsibility, right?"  
  
"HEY!!!"  
  
"Hello! I'm hungry. Mr. HOT DOG, will I finally get my fucking order?" That was Kankuro who was apparently done studying the menu.  
  
"Do me a favor...no. Do US a favor. And by US I mean the whole village. When that kid is born tell everyone that Itachi was its father. At least it'll save the kid some embarrassment at school when the sensei will ask him about his parents' jobs."  
  
"HEY. I'm RIGHT HERE you know!!" The Hot Dog was fuming.  
  
"Fine, fine." Temari agreed. "Although I doubt Itachi would want to take the credit."  
  
"Itachi???? What the hell are you saying? Do the two of you even KNOW....What the hell is WRONG with YOU and your family, Temari?"  
  
Temari shrugged.  
  
"What isn't wrong with me and my family? We have all the known psychological diseases known to the modern medicine. As well as some that weren't named yet. Mainly Kankuro. Gaara is the sane one here."  
  
The Hot Dog almost fell backwards.  
  
"Gaara....Sane?"  
  
Gaara grinned.  
  
"Yeah. Got a problem with that, Giant Weiner?"  
  
"HEY. I'm a HOT DOG! Not a wiener! HOT... DOG!!!"  
  
"You'll be a giant pile of crap on the floor if I don't get my order, right now!!" Kankuro made a face.  
  
"I'm fucking hungry god damn it."  
  
The Hot Dog wanted to say something but decided against it.  
  
"What would you like? Mr. Fütlong will fulfill your every wish."  
  
"If only THAT were true." Temari snorted. "God, did they even CHECK you before they hired you here? I mean you can get sued for false advertisement."  
  
The Hot Dog was too damn tired to even argue. His eye began involuntarily twitching as he shot his future wife a death glare.  
  
"We'll talk about this IN PRIVATE" He growled.  
  
"I'd like a foot long, please. With mustard, and ketchup and relish."  
  
While Kankuro's order was being filled, the Sand Trio stared at the Giant red in the face Hot Dog, as the Hot Dog stared back at them. The order arrived and he handed the food to Kankuro.  
  
"It'll be 3.50, sir."  
  
"Hey. You didn't SMILE when you handed me my dog. I don't have to pay."  
  
"Say what?" Temari was surprised. "Kankuro what are you blabbering about?"  
  
Kankuro pointed at the sign right by the cash register.  
  
"Serving hot dogs with smiles. If we don't smile when we hand you your order, your dog is on us!"  
  
The Hot Dog shuddered.  
  
"I wouldn't smile when I touched your hot dog even if they paid me." He uttered.  
  
Kankuro creased his brow.  
  
"They ARE paying you to touch my weiner."  
  
"...No...they're not."  
  
"Yeah. They are. They're also paying you to stand here in a giant Hot Dog suit and greet the customers. And when I ask for my fütlong, you better hand it to me and smile!"  
  
"I'm going to kill you, doll boy. You just wait until I get off the job."  
  
"What did you say???"  
  
"Nothing. I'm a hot dog. I'm a hot dog."  
  
Sasuke came home when Temari was already asleep. He hid the suit someplace in the closet, like he always did and crept into their room. He began taking off his shirt when the lights suddenly went on.  
  
"Well, well, the world's biggest liar is home." Temari grinned at him, as she propped her head on her right hand and looked at him with a smile that hid in her teal eyes. Sasuke rolled his eyes.  
  
"Not now, Temari. I'm really tired. And annoyed."  
  
"So where's your suit?"  
  
"I left it. Why?"  
  
She blushed.  
  
"Well....I thought....you were kind of... really sexy when you were Mr. Fütlong. Be a giant hot dog tonight, Sasuke? Please?"  
  
Sasuke's eyes almost popped out of his scull.  
  
"...Run..that by me again? You want to have SEX with a GIANT HOT DOG?????" he backed away from the bed. "Who the FUCKare you and what have you done to Temari?"  
  
"Oh shut up!" Temari rolled her eyes and sat on the bed. "It'll be good for the baby. Besides, Kankuro has been singing that fucking song all evening."  
  
Sasuke thought for a moment. Two. Three. Temari was wearing a lacy night gown, and her hair fell down to her shoulders, making her look seductive. She bothered the bed sheet with her index finger and looked at him with pleading eyes.  
  
"Please, Sasuke? Please? Just once? Be a Giant Hot Dog? Please????" Suddenly Sasuke felt his pants getting uncomfortably tight.  
  
"Fine...Fine...." He mumbled. "Only if you'll let me exchange the death of Kankuro for sex with Giant Hot Dog"  
  
Temari smiled happily.  
  
"It's a deal!!"  
  
Oh I wish I were a Mr. Fütlong  
  
That is what I'd truly like to be  
  
'cause if I were a Mister Fütlong  
  
Every one would be in love with me.  
  
Letter # 7.  
  
Dear Despised Future Brother in Law Itachi,  
  
Did you actually know that unlike you, Sasuke can hold a job? He's been a very responsible shinobi, trying to take care of his family. I don't think you have the right to call him foolish.  
  
The wedding is going to happen in three weeks, so please make sure to correlate your Akutsuki activities with it, so you can come. I'll be less than happy to see you there. I wanted to ignore the fact that you exist, but since you're future family I have to send you the invitations in the mail.  
  
Maybe we will all get lucky and you'll catch some deadly disease on your way here. With this letter, I'm attaching the photo of Sasuke at his workplace. This should be an example for you!!  
  
P.S. Sasuke says that he still hates you.  
  
Temari.  
  
Letter#8.  
  
Dear, lovely Temari-chan.  
  
This is Kisame.  
  
Why am I writing to you, you might ask? Well, once Itachi san got your letter and saw the picture he began violently stabbing it with a Kunai, while uttering angry growls. We had to call upon the men in white coats to subdue him and carry him to the loony bin. He's been there ever since.  
  
Don't worry. He's been getting a course of treatment by painful electroshocks and other medicine the name I can't pronounce, so he'll be his usual self in no time. Thank you for your kind invitations. We'll be there. Just don't get scared if Itachi-san will suddenly jump up and starts screaming something about the forks that are trying to attack him. He'll be ok, in a little while.  
  
With that, I shall bid you farewell. Please don't be surprised if Itachi san doesn't answer a few of your letters. He still falls into a psychotic fit every time I mention the words Hot Dog. I hope you have a healthy baby.  
  
Kisame.  
  
P. S. Sasuke looked absolutely delicious. 


	8. Chapter Seven May The Fork Be With You

May The Fork Be With You!

Dear useless hot dog – er, useless little brother.

I hope you are happy, because they have committed me to an institution due to your idiotic behavior. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Not even when I walked in on Kisame naked! (FORKS. THEY"RE TRYING TO GET ME!) I cannot believe that I had to kill six hundred plus people and leave you as the sole hot dog –er survivor and this is how you repay me? You squander your sharingan talent on serving hot dogs? Do you get off on severe humiliation?? Do you?

First you knock up the loudest bitch in the universe. (Though I don't know how you did it with our family's condition.) Then you agreed to marry her and breed like a cockroach. Now, this? This I will not forgive!! There will never be enough ketchup – er, hatred for you, you lousy hot dog – er brother. By the way, how come they didn't sue you for false advertisement? Did they not check you when they hired you to pretend to be a foot long???

(Although, I imagine the suit is quite cushy. It would probably save me from the forks. No, I don't know where they come from. I just know that they live under my bed and watch me go to the bathroom. They wanna eat me. Or maybe just poke me until I go insane. Wait….I am in a nut house…CRAP!!! Its' all your fault!! Why am I still writing this? Oh yes. My shrink told me I should talk about my feelings. So here I am, you lousy hot dog- er brother.)

You're going to hell for this! Where they'll toast your buns and stroke your dog.

....

Wait. That doesn't sound right.

Even for me.

Anyway. They told me they will let me out on good behavior, so I can make it to your horrible wedding, with your horrible wife and mutant hot dog child.

Beware of the ketchup!!

And FORKS!!

AAAAAAHHHH FORKS!!!!!

Hatefully (sobbing in the corner) yours, Itachi.


	9. Chapter Eight It's A Boy!

It's A Boy!

It was cooling down for the evening in the village of the Sand. Sasuke was sifting through the mail after a hard day of work. His hot dog costume was right next to him on the couch, simply because he had no time to put it away before Kankuro tried to eat it.

Again.

The mail was mostly bills, letters of admiration for Temari, hate mail for him for knocking her up, Gaara's usual daily threats, Kankuro's order of Hyuuga brand condoms that seemed to have way too many zeros after the number. Sasuke did a double take again, trying to see if he was loosing his sight, and the amount really did have a dot and a coma in it. He couldn't understand why Kankuro needed that many condoms. It wasn't like many women dug the face paint, or the freaky puppet shows. It disturbed him for a little bit, but he shook his head and moved on. He really didn't want to think about Kankuro's sex life for too long. He didn't want to think about it ever.

Again.

He was almost done with the mail, when he noticed a small blue envelope with the Uchiha insignia on the back side. This could only mean one thing. It was from his brother, Itachi. Sasuke didn't really want to open the letter, because he had a very nagging feeling he knew what it was going to say.

However, when he did open the letter and read it, his face contorted into a look of sheer and utter confusion. Same look of confusion he had when he walked in on Kankuro taking a shower. He couldn't understand where Kankuro ended, and Karasu began. After that day, nightmares never stopped. Although Sasuke never admitted it to anyone else, he secretly wished he could set Kankuro on fire. He even tried doing it, but was caught by Temari and she was not pleased.

Sasuke put the letter down. He figured he had a heat stroke from advertising hot dogs out on the sun in his suit all day long. He felt his forehead and checked if he wanted to vomit, but neither of these things seemed to be any more than normal. Sasuke got up to get a glass of water, drank it all in one sitting and then looked at the letter. Maybe it was some sort of a secret code?

Maybe Itachi was trying to tell him how to get out of this marriage. Sasuke was excited for a few seconds. This could be it! His brother finally decided to help him! Then Sasuke remembered Gaara and his sand, and he was sad. He decided that marrying Temari was really not that bad. At least it was not any worse than being killed by a bunch of sand. All in all, it wasn't THAT bad. At least he'd still be alive.

It took him another twenty minutes before he picked up the letter and read it the second time. Nope, there was no special code. Itachi really DID write about forks that peeped on him, when he urinated. Sasuke stopped after reading that line and stared at the wall. His brain felt like it was about to leak out of his nostrils. When no brain leakage occurred he went back to reading the letter. Few more lines down, he had to stop and look at the wall again. There were images of killer ketchup bottles trying to eat his mutant hot dog child.

Sasuke shook head, realizing he was loosing it. He wondered how did Itachi know that Temari liked to do it with the hot dog suit on? Did someone tell him? Why would anyone have told him? It's not like forks ARE alive or anything.

…..

Are they??

Sasuke felt an arousing suspicion towards the silverware. He glared at the kitchen's entrance where the evil utensils resided. It was silent in the kitchen, and no forks were heard. What were they doing? Were they plotting the revolution? Were they plotting his demise? Were they going to stab him repeatedly until his suit deflated?

Those thoughts were alarming. It was as if the medication they had Itachi on, seeped through the pages and affected his mind. Not, that there was a lot to affect, but still. Sasuke looked around. Temari was at her doctor's getting an ultra sound of the baby. Kankuro was busy with his toys. Sasuke shuddered at the thought. Gaara was…well, Sasuke didn't really want to know where Gaara was. As long as he wasn't here.

Realizing it was clear, Sasuke walked into the kitchen, pulled the drawer with the silverware and stared.

"Yeah. You're all innocent looking now, but I know that when I go to sleep you are watching, just like you're watching my brother. Don't think I don't know this, you idiotic contraptions of human torture. I will MELT YOU INTO BUTTONS!! Would you like that? HUH?? BUTTONS!!"

He got so angry that he decided the time for threats has passed and the time for action was now. Grabbing a fork, he activated a seal and mumbled.

"Resistance is futile, you evil dictator. You may have stolen my brother's mind, but you will have me! Wait. That's not what I wanted to say. Let me re-do this." Sasuke coughed into his hand.

"Ahem. YOU MAY HAVE STOLEN MY BROTHER'S SANI-…wait. No. No no. He never had that. Re-do." He put the fork down and then picked it up again.

"YOU MAY HAVE STOLEN MY BROTHER'S MIND, BUT YOU WILL NEVER …" He never got to finish the sentence because a loud burp escaped from his throat. Sasuke smacked his lips a few times.

"Mm. Tastes like paint. Red paint." Sasuke turned his attention back to the fork at hand.

"YOU MAY HAVE STOLEN MY BROTHER'S MIND BUT YOU WILL NEVER.." He paused. No burp was coming. "YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ME!!!"

With that, he screamed "Katon goukakyu no jutsu" and fired a fire ball on the fork, melting it on the spot.

Unfortunately for Sasuke, he got so carried away, he didn't notice his wife-to-be coming into the house. Temari, was not amused.

"WHAT THE FUCK are you trying to do to my silverware???" She screamed. "IT"S A FAMILY HEIRLOOM!!!"

Sasuke panicked.

"I'm…Uhm…I'm..I'm trying to refine it?" He offered the melted fork to her.

"See? Isn't this much better?"

Temari just stared. She wondered if shoving that melted fork up his ass would do any good, and decided against it. She didn't really want to know or discover where Sasuke's ass has been. That was a part of his life they never talked about. Temari put her hands on her hips and gave him a glare of doom instead.

"Have you been sniffing Kankuro's face paint again?"

Sasuke shook his head.

"No. But you know, the funniest thing happened. I was screaming at the fork, and a burp came out. It tasted like paint. I am not even sure how I know this. I think I need a moment because I am scared. Besides, you know I don't touch anything he touches."

First time in her life, Temari had nothing to say. She simply wondered if aborting the baby at this stage would be considered murder, with all things taken into the account. She finally gathered her wits.

"That doesn't explain to me why the hell were you screaming at the forks as if they're alive."

It was Sasuke's time to stare.

How did she know that? Was she the one with the forks???

"Anyway." Temari walked to the fridge and got a can of soda. "I am exhausted. By the way, the doctor said we're having a boy. Although he really had a hard time telling me, because of you what you claim to be a family condition."

"IT IS a family condition" Sasuke retorted. "What? Do you think I like it?"

"I don't know. You seem to spend a lot of time looking at it."

"I DO NOT!!" He protested. "You're the one who likes to do it with the hot dog suit on! I have to look at it, so I can find the hole."

"…..You can't find the hole?"

"I CAN TOO! I got you pregnant, haven't I?"

"…hm. I don't know. I'm beginning to doubt you were able to impregnate me with..well. ..that."

"Whatever. You like it. Don't lie."

"I never said I don't. I'm just pointing out the facts."

"I don't want talk about it anymore. Here. Maybe you can make sense of my brother's letter, because I am not sure if I should start burning ketchup bottles along with the silverware."

Temari sighed.

This was going to be one hell of a long life time.

Letter #9.

….

……….

(I didn't think the first set of dots truly expressed feelings I had upon receiving your letter. So here's more dots to amplify how …what's the word…oh fuck it, I don't think there's a word for this situation.)

………………………………………………………………………………………

(This was Temari's reaction to the letter. At least Kisame didn't write that I looked delicious this time. Thank. God.)

Anyway. I am glad to hear you are getting better. Sort of. Not really. I was very happy to hear you are suffering. I hope you suffer more. It is your fault I am in this situation with a kid on the way and a lousy job. If only you knew how to make proper condoms.

Oh, by the way, the baby is a boy.

Hatefully yours,

Sasuke.


End file.
